Pause

We stop time.

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I take a moment to pause

The world moves around me, time doesn’t stand still. It moves, flows, ebbs, and slows, but never stops.

I’m stopped. My emotions consume me. My sadness washes over me. My happiness flits around me. Anger coincides deep within. Cracked like glass, the sections of self permeate with different thoughts and break and reconnect over and over.

The next moment. I am broken. The next moment. I am whole. I look around and I am no longer paused. Everything else seems to be.

A woman next to the building looks distraught, holding her phone to her ear. Biding time holding on hope that the next few words bring solace. I can only speculate. The man 2 balconies up, one hand flailing, the other clenched. Screaming obscenities into an open door. The pure unadulterated joy beaming from a child’s face, arm wrapped around a plush. The father and mother smiling as she makes her way toward them. First steps? I wonder.

Pause. Paused to take a moment in. Realizing we all stop time when we need to even though time is never stopped. Paused. Paused within a perception each of us holds. We live each in our own minds. Time doesn’t stop. We stop time.

The conundrum that is humanity.

It’s an interesting thing

You know what’s strange? We as humans have this weird tendency to be both complimentary and depreciate at the same time. Scouring the internet and forums, i see so many different examples of this. We always seem to want to see someone succeed but if that person succeeds too much, we call for their downfall. We wish others to be happy but when someone we deem unworthy of being happy becomes happy, we become angry. It’s a strange symptom of being a human. And to top it off, many people no longer try to rise above this train of thought. They just jump on and ride it without thinking of consequences or action. It feels like a product of the internet. We have keyboard warriors on all side flexing digital muscle, posturing and showing themselves to be the alpha when in reality, they live these small lives in which the internet is where they get their only attention. It’s all a bit unsettling. I am by no means blaming anyone or anything in general. Mostly just musing on what I’ve observed. It’s an interesting thing.

-Skipperstitch

Reflections of the old year, goals for the new.

This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke.

There’s something about the New Year that brings both joy and sadness; Watching that ball drop, those 30 seconds become 30 minutes, then hours, then days, In those few short seconds, my mind is flooded by…..everything that has happened in the last year. All the goals I didn’t hit, all the mistakes I made, every possible what if you could shake a finger at come flying into my consciousness. Time freezes as I look around. So many backdrops from the last year flash by. Starting a new position at work, giving up on working out again, multiple moments of utter and crushing silence spent in my car wondering if anything I’ve done quantifies my existence. A strange calm overtakes me. Not quite Zen but definitely a type of stillness. A small twinge of something familiar hits my heart. I remember this feeling from when I was younger. I remember when I felt like this, like I could take on the world. I can’t quite put my finger on what elicited this response; all I know is, in that moment everything was still stopped. I looked at my wife and feel warmth, and love; the same love that id been maybe blocking from myself because I feel as if I’m not worth it. It strengthens the feeling. I’m still unsure of where it came from but I welcome it. I let it take over. The clock strikes 12. It’s a new year. Now everything whizzes by quickly – A million thoughts in my head; Goals, aspirations, resolutions, all of which form hope. This ethereal feeling begins to slowly surround me. I fall silent. A quiet determination has been sparked again. This is something I haven’t felt for at least a few years. It’s a welcome feeling, as if something inside me knows something big is on the horizon. This year, I choose to hold on to that and allow it to guide me. This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke. “How, possibly, can my life get better? I’m not worth it,” I’d usually admit, but this year….this year I accept it with open arms. 2018 has got nothing on me.

—Skipperstitch

–Goals–

Get into shape

Finish 2 portfolios

Get a personal project off the ground

Finally break into the animation business

–Resolutions–

Start following my own path and stay true to myself

Get over my shyness

Anxiety and sitting in a car.

This is hard guys.

Today was…..weird. the most likely thing to say is i had a few anxiety attacks as i went through the day but they were the kind that you dont really know are panic attacks until its too late to do anything about it. I found myself doing things that i so easily fall into when i get this way. I sat in my car for a few minutes letting the music wash over me. I thought of so many things i could be doing and how i must be failing hard if i havent gotten them yet. and maybe i pulled myself out of it. It hit me again later on but ultimately i was ok and im ok now at the end of my day. This is hard guys. if im being honest, i dont exactly know if im completely ok but i mean im stable i guess. just gotta get out there and keep moving. apologies for the grammer, at the moment, i couldnt care less. thanks for baring with me.
-Skipperstitch
(Artwork by Dmitriy Maximov)

Writing, feeling, waiting, hoping….

I wonder why I always wait.

I woke up today. That, in itself, is a huge tremendous blessing. I woke up today next to my beautiful wife. Another amazing gift. So I guess I’m doing alright yeah?

Anyways, ive neglected this blog for far too long. Honestly, I get a little scared everytime i look at it. Like the words I’ll write don’t have no right to be written, the thoughts in my mind, no right to exist. In less melodramatic terms, I feel like nothing i say or do is worth being said or done. But I’m wrong. Right? Eh, well this’ll pass, it always does. As i reflect on the title of this particular blog post, I wonder. I wonder why I always wait. What am I waiting for? the longer i sit here, the more of my life passes me by and, you know, I wasnt lying when i told myself, all those years ago, that I didn’t want to merely exist. I wanted to live. But boy is it hard to live. How do people do it? how do people talk to other people they don’t know, strike up conversation, I mean, just, how? God, I swear i spend most of the day worrying what I’ll say or do that by the time I decide, the day is over and gone. I have to get out out of this funk I’m in. One step at a time I guess. UIm deciding to speak to a psychologist. Or therapist? Probably one of my biggest fears but, if it’ll help me, then i welcome it. Here’s to the future.