It’s an interesting thing
You know what’s strange? We as humans have this weird tendency to be both complimentary and depreciate at the same time. Scouring the internet and forums, i see so many different examples of this. We always seem to want to see someone succeed but if that person succeeds too much, we call for their downfall. We wish others to be happy but when someone we deem unworthy of being happy becomes happy, we become angry. It’s a strange symptom of being a human. And to top it off, many people no longer try to rise above this train of thought. They just jump on and ride it without thinking of consequences or action. It feels like a product of the internet. We have keyboard warriors on all side flexing digital muscle, posturing and showing themselves to be the alpha when in reality, they live these small lives in which the internet is where they get their only attention. It’s all a bit unsettling. I am by no means blaming anyone or anything in general. Mostly just musing on what I’ve observed. It’s an interesting thing.
As written by someone who is struggling to be more positive every day.
I am, by no means, a positive person; At least not in the conventional sense. Yes, I am prone to moments of being chipper and peppy, but those moments are interlaced with long stretches of malaise, indifference, and cynicism. If you know how this feels, you know just how stressful and annoying these times can be. It is especially dismaying when you experience these things at a party when you are supposed to be enjoying time with friends. If this seems to be the norm for you well I can confidently say that hey, it’s ok. This is normal for us. I compare it to a toy running out of battery. I don’t think that I’m negative at heart, but I do feel that my positivity reserves need a little bit of tweaking; But these moments, these quiet minutes where we just allow ourselves to feel…..sad? Angry? These moments are essential. It’s not something that a lot of people understand, especially those who find being positive to come naturally, but they are completely essential. In these moments, we recharge. I know that when I have these quiet moments with my wife, I recharge quicker and can sustain my happiness longer and that helps; and when you’re having fun, even with others, your battery just finds a way to stay happy longer. Laughter, appreciation, love, all of these things sustain us, but to get to these moments, we have to recharge. We have to have quiet moments. We have to have negative experiences because those make positive experiences all the sweeter. So if you find yourself falling into sadness, just hold on tight and know you’ll be ok. We’re all stronger for it!
You don’t get that right!
Chester Bennington committed suicide today. Linkin Park was one of my favorite bands when I was younger. RIP. People want to judge him for his actions. Others will say “just another rock star killed by drugs and alchohol”. They’ll say he had 6 kids and a wife. Like that should have been enough to stop him. But here’s the thing. Depression will claim you when you’re not looking. Depression will blind you and make you look past those who love you and who you love. In that singular moment where you make that choice, there’s too many thoughts running through your head but the only one, the only thought and feeling is the fear you have. The fear that you never amounted to anything. The fear that you let people down. The fear that you wasted someones time. Everyone’s time. And that is what drives you. There are no happy thoughts. There is no light at the end of this tunnel and let’s face it and drop the sugar coated crap, you feel alone. Every person around you becomes a distorted caricature of what you knew and your head and depression makes you distort them. They become the reason you are depressed. You become the source of everyone’s hatred. Compound that with any type of trauma you’ve endured and yeah, you’d have to be heartless to think it was solely the person’s fault. No one is heartless enough to purposefully leave their loved ones. But apparently there are people heartless enough to think they can judge someone they didn’t know for actions that may have been brought about by so many factors. No. You don’t get that right. So if you feel even the slightest bit offended or feel like you have some say in this, you don’t because you don’t know how it feels to look at everyone and feel like they in some little stupid fucked up way that they hate you and you don’t know how it feels when that thought eats so much of you away that you don’t even feel human anymore. So if that’s how you feel, thanks for being a friend and deleting me. I probably didn’t need you in my life.
So I’m not in the greatest state of mind. I’m depressed and stressed out. I’m feeling particularly lonely. And I’m feeling poor in more ways than one. For those of you who know me or have spent some time getting to know me, you know that when Im low, im very low. I know some people will want me to shut up. Tell me this isn’t a public forum to self medicate by sharing. Well, yeah. I know. I just don’t know how to socialize anymore. I don’t know when it’s OK to ask for help so I default to here because, well, it’s something. And something is better than nothing. Meh. It must be the fatigue and stress. I hope that’s all it is. God I miss kid me. Lol no cares in the world…. Maybe. I’m just so damn frustrated. So yeah. I guess that’s the long of it.
tl/dr In a world where everyone belongs. I feel like I dont.
And look if you’re just gonna tell me to shut up save it. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place.
Just a few months ago I was down in the dumps. I felt completely useless, alone, and depressed. At the time, it felt like everywhere I looked, whoever I turned to, I felt cold and dejected. I felt judged. I remember telling someone that I was depressed and got a cold “no you aren’t. So, I started silencing myself. I started telling myself that I wasn’t needed. I guarded myself against everything, even my wife (who is the best and most awesome person I know in the whole universe). I stopped seeing the world as a wondrous place and began seeing it in black and white. But then I decided to reach out. I steeled myself, my wife lifted me up, and I got on my way again. I stopped trying to life for others. I stopped caring about how many friends I had and focused my efforts on the ones who stuck with me through my shittiest times. I made new ones in the new jobs I got. I realized, I’m really not alone. Looking back, I hate that I let my feelings be dictated by people who didn’t ever make the time to get to know me. I hate that I hinged my feelings on those friends who never had the time for me. Fast forward to now and I have amazing opportunities in my future. I have friends who keep in touch even if it’s hard to make time. I am incredibly blessed with this amazing wife who kept my light on even when I was trying to snuff it out. The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place. I just need to look at it that way.
I wonder why I always wait.
I woke up today. That, in itself, is a huge tremendous blessing. I woke up today next to my beautiful wife. Another amazing gift. So I guess I’m doing alright yeah?
Anyways, ive neglected this blog for far too long. Honestly, I get a little scared everytime i look at it. Like the words I’ll write don’t have no right to be written, the thoughts in my mind, no right to exist. In less melodramatic terms, I feel like nothing i say or do is worth being said or done. But I’m wrong. Right? Eh, well this’ll pass, it always does. As i reflect on the title of this particular blog post, I wonder. I wonder why I always wait. What am I waiting for? the longer i sit here, the more of my life passes me by and, you know, I wasnt lying when i told myself, all those years ago, that I didn’t want to merely exist. I wanted to live. But boy is it hard to live. How do people do it? how do people talk to other people they don’t know, strike up conversation, I mean, just, how? God, I swear i spend most of the day worrying what I’ll say or do that by the time I decide, the day is over and gone. I have to get out out of this funk I’m in. One step at a time I guess. UIm deciding to speak to a psychologist. Or therapist? Probably one of my biggest fears but, if it’ll help me, then i welcome it. Here’s to the future.