We are all Rivers

our storms help us become stronger

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We are all rivers,

Our lives ebb and flow

our circumstances change from a trickle to a raging flood

our lives intertwine

friendships fill our reservoire

tragedies empty it

and yet we always move, always change, and never stay put

there are times of calm where we seem still

life sometimes assures that we do not keep flowing a certain way

but rest assured, our river always flows

our victories spur our rapids

our storms help us become stronger

others join us and then leave accordingly

but we are all rivers

always flowing

 

Reflections of the old year, goals for the new.

This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke.

There’s something about the New Year that brings both joy and sadness; Watching that ball drop, those 30 seconds become 30 minutes, then hours, then days, In those few short seconds, my mind is flooded by…..everything that has happened in the last year. All the goals I didn’t hit, all the mistakes I made, every possible what if you could shake a finger at come flying into my consciousness. Time freezes as I look around. So many backdrops from the last year flash by. Starting a new position at work, giving up on working out again, multiple moments of utter and crushing silence spent in my car wondering if anything I’ve done quantifies my existence. A strange calm overtakes me. Not quite Zen but definitely a type of stillness. A small twinge of something familiar hits my heart. I remember this feeling from when I was younger. I remember when I felt like this, like I could take on the world. I can’t quite put my finger on what elicited this response; all I know is, in that moment everything was still stopped. I looked at my wife and feel warmth, and love; the same love that id been maybe blocking from myself because I feel as if I’m not worth it. It strengthens the feeling. I’m still unsure of where it came from but I welcome it. I let it take over. The clock strikes 12. It’s a new year. Now everything whizzes by quickly – A million thoughts in my head; Goals, aspirations, resolutions, all of which form hope. This ethereal feeling begins to slowly surround me. I fall silent. A quiet determination has been sparked again. This is something I haven’t felt for at least a few years. It’s a welcome feeling, as if something inside me knows something big is on the horizon. This year, I choose to hold on to that and allow it to guide me. This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke. “How, possibly, can my life get better? I’m not worth it,” I’d usually admit, but this year….this year I accept it with open arms. 2018 has got nothing on me.

—Skipperstitch

–Goals–

Get into shape

Finish 2 portfolios

Get a personal project off the ground

Finally break into the animation business

–Resolutions–

Start following my own path and stay true to myself

Get over my shyness

Ghost of a friendship, Lies a of a friend

Hold fast, stay strong, keep your light and keep the darkness at bay.

Pictures hold a thousand words, and lifetimes warmth within,

Of friendships past, where lack of trust seems almost a sin.

Look past the eyes, the joking grin, the bear hug that they gave.

It will remind you of memories you thought you didnt save.

Almost ethereal, almost real, that hold made things seem true,

but, it seems, the person you had, had covertly altered their hue.

The warmth became as cold as ice, the hands with claws like daggers of steel.

When left alone, you quietly sit and try to remember what was real.

As you look back, you see what changed and surely its a jest.

But it was you who made a mistake in holding up their crest.

In time you wished that you would be the one that they’d count on.

but In your darkest moment, on your mind did it finally dawn.

As you put more importance in the ones you thought your own,

the life of you, the confidence and soul was sucked out of your bones.

But these are only hauntings see, do not let them win the day.

Hold fast, stay strong, keep your light and keep the darkness at bay.

No amount of lies or ghosts can wither your heart

unless you, and you alone, give them the right to start.

So worry not of ghostly comrades, of whose time you should forget,

Keep  your eyes ever on the future, let go of the lies that you have met.

 

-SkipperStitch

In My Eyes…

My mind snaps and I feel like the world is going to crash in on me.

The alarm. My eyes lazily focus as my wife pats me on the back to wake me up. I sleepily walk to the shower and the spray of cold water breaks my sleepy haze as i step into the steadily heating stream. My mind snaps and I feel like the world is going to  crash in on me.  I sit there in my shower just pondering the day. Calculating things that can’t possibly be calculated. As I turn the dial to cool the water to a brisk temperature, I take a breath and hold on to that hope I’ll be okay. I hear my wife tell me the time and i can’t help but thank god and the universe for my wife because she gives me that extra piece of hope. and drive that just gets me out of bed and gets me going, and puts a smile on my face. I step out of the garage and then into my car and everything becomes a me against the world scenario in my head. And then I finally arrive at my job and, gratitude washes over me. I’m incredibly thankful for the job I have. And then my brain switches some time during the day. I get doubful of myself. I start thinking i can’t do this, what am i doing here? I’m messing up where is my life headed? Why am I still stuck? I cant focus and I freak out. And then I breath. I close my eyes and breath. And focus. And time goes by. And i realize, I made it through another day. So I walk to my car, get in, and then just get scared again. Am i going to get home safe? What if I don’t? I’m back to calculating. And then I realize….I’m home. Everything kind of washes away. I lay in bed reliving the day and calculating the next. I look over at my wife. Everything falls away again. I fall asleep. Thankful, grateful…….The alarm.