It’s an interesting thing
You know what’s strange? We as humans have this weird tendency to be both complimentary and depreciate at the same time. Scouring the internet and forums, i see so many different examples of this. We always seem to want to see someone succeed but if that person succeeds too much, we call for their downfall. We wish others to be happy but when someone we deem unworthy of being happy becomes happy, we become angry. It’s a strange symptom of being a human. And to top it off, many people no longer try to rise above this train of thought. They just jump on and ride it without thinking of consequences or action. It feels like a product of the internet. We have keyboard warriors on all side flexing digital muscle, posturing and showing themselves to be the alpha when in reality, they live these small lives in which the internet is where they get their only attention. It’s all a bit unsettling. I am by no means blaming anyone or anything in general. Mostly just musing on what I’ve observed. It’s an interesting thing.
I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone.
I sit in traffic, listening without any thought or plan. It’s just another day. I tell myself this over and over like a mantra. Inside me, I feel a slight panic. Where am I going in this life? Time passes slowly and yet, I feel like I cannot sit in one moment long enough. Questions race through my head; “Am I good enough for my wife? Do my friends even like me? Does anyone even know I’m here? Why do I keep waking up in the morning?” The obvious thing to say would be that I live for my wife. I wake up to animate. I’m fine. I think. But it takes a while for any of the good to sink in. I’m too stuck in my own head to move on and before I know it, I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone. Feeling like maybe, just maybe, everyone around me would be better off if I just disappeared. I can hear my wife in my head telling me that she loves me. That I belong. I can see and feel all the memories of hanging out with all my friends. But it feels like there’s a cloud there. A fog. I can’t really see things clearly. I remember things differently and everything morphs into something darker. I get angry, I get sad, I get frustrated, and tired all at the same time. And it’s like that almost every day. There are good days and there are bad days. and then there are horrible days where I feel paralyzed or like I’m on the outside looking in. When I’m with friends, I freeze up a little bit, unsure of whether I fit in. I become so engrossed in finding a way to feel like I’m ok, feel like I’m part of the group that even before I’m ok, the days over and I’m heading home. Then I’m hoping that they don’t think I hate them and it’s just my anxiety. I get home and obsess and then I force myself asleep just to do it again. There’s so much self-doubt in me that some days it gets hard to motivate myself just to wake up. I honestly don’t know if this is depression. I’ve never been to a shrink to figure that out. I’m scared to. I don’t want people thinking differently of me and people look down on those with any type of mental illness so yeah it is a bit scary. I’m hoping to finally go see a psychologist sometime in the coming months because I’ve started to get disturbing thoughts. That’s about all I’d like to entertain because they come frequently so anytime I’m not thinking about them, I’m glad. I hope I’ll be ok. Thanks for reading.
The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place.
Just a few months ago I was down in the dumps. I felt completely useless, alone, and depressed. At the time, it felt like everywhere I looked, whoever I turned to, I felt cold and dejected. I felt judged. I remember telling someone that I was depressed and got a cold “no you aren’t. So, I started silencing myself. I started telling myself that I wasn’t needed. I guarded myself against everything, even my wife (who is the best and most awesome person I know in the whole universe). I stopped seeing the world as a wondrous place and began seeing it in black and white. But then I decided to reach out. I steeled myself, my wife lifted me up, and I got on my way again. I stopped trying to life for others. I stopped caring about how many friends I had and focused my efforts on the ones who stuck with me through my shittiest times. I made new ones in the new jobs I got. I realized, I’m really not alone. Looking back, I hate that I let my feelings be dictated by people who didn’t ever make the time to get to know me. I hate that I hinged my feelings on those friends who never had the time for me. Fast forward to now and I have amazing opportunities in my future. I have friends who keep in touch even if it’s hard to make time. I am incredibly blessed with this amazing wife who kept my light on even when I was trying to snuff it out. The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place. I just need to look at it that way.
I wonder why I always wait.
I woke up today. That, in itself, is a huge tremendous blessing. I woke up today next to my beautiful wife. Another amazing gift. So I guess I’m doing alright yeah?
Anyways, ive neglected this blog for far too long. Honestly, I get a little scared everytime i look at it. Like the words I’ll write don’t have no right to be written, the thoughts in my mind, no right to exist. In less melodramatic terms, I feel like nothing i say or do is worth being said or done. But I’m wrong. Right? Eh, well this’ll pass, it always does. As i reflect on the title of this particular blog post, I wonder. I wonder why I always wait. What am I waiting for? the longer i sit here, the more of my life passes me by and, you know, I wasnt lying when i told myself, all those years ago, that I didn’t want to merely exist. I wanted to live. But boy is it hard to live. How do people do it? how do people talk to other people they don’t know, strike up conversation, I mean, just, how? God, I swear i spend most of the day worrying what I’ll say or do that by the time I decide, the day is over and gone. I have to get out out of this funk I’m in. One step at a time I guess. UIm deciding to speak to a psychologist. Or therapist? Probably one of my biggest fears but, if it’ll help me, then i welcome it. Here’s to the future.
My mind snaps and I feel like the world is going to crash in on me.
The alarm. My eyes lazily focus as my wife pats me on the back to wake me up. I sleepily walk to the shower and the spray of cold water breaks my sleepy haze as i step into the steadily heating stream. My mind snaps and I feel like the world is going to crash in on me. I sit there in my shower just pondering the day. Calculating things that can’t possibly be calculated. As I turn the dial to cool the water to a brisk temperature, I take a breath and hold on to that hope I’ll be okay. I hear my wife tell me the time and i can’t help but thank god and the universe for my wife because she gives me that extra piece of hope. and drive that just gets me out of bed and gets me going, and puts a smile on my face. I step out of the garage and then into my car and everything becomes a me against the world scenario in my head. And then I finally arrive at my job and, gratitude washes over me. I’m incredibly thankful for the job I have. And then my brain switches some time during the day. I get doubful of myself. I start thinking i can’t do this, what am i doing here? I’m messing up where is my life headed? Why am I still stuck? I cant focus and I freak out. And then I breath. I close my eyes and breath. And focus. And time goes by. And i realize, I made it through another day. So I walk to my car, get in, and then just get scared again. Am i going to get home safe? What if I don’t? I’m back to calculating. And then I realize….I’m home. Everything kind of washes away. I lay in bed reliving the day and calculating the next. I look over at my wife. Everything falls away again. I fall asleep. Thankful, grateful…….The alarm.