I take a moment to pause
The world moves around me, time doesn’t stand still. It moves, flows, ebbs, and slows, but never stops.
I’m stopped. My emotions consume me. My sadness washes over me. My happiness flits around me. Anger coincides deep within. Cracked like glass, the sections of self permeate with different thoughts and break and reconnect over and over.
The next moment. I am broken. The next moment. I am whole. I look around and I am no longer paused. Everything else seems to be.
A woman next to the building looks distraught, holding her phone to her ear. Biding time holding on hope that the next few words bring solace. I can only speculate. The man 2 balconies up, one hand flailing, the other clenched. Screaming obscenities into an open door. The pure unadulterated joy beaming from a child’s face, arm wrapped around a plush. The father and mother smiling as she makes her way toward them. First steps? I wonder.
Pause. Paused to take a moment in. Realizing we all stop time when we need to even though time is never stopped. Paused. Paused within a perception each of us holds. We live each in our own minds. Time doesn’t stop. We stop time.
It’s an interesting thing
You know what’s strange? We as humans have this weird tendency to be both complimentary and depreciate at the same time. Scouring the internet and forums, i see so many different examples of this. We always seem to want to see someone succeed but if that person succeeds too much, we call for their downfall. We wish others to be happy but when someone we deem unworthy of being happy becomes happy, we become angry. It’s a strange symptom of being a human. And to top it off, many people no longer try to rise above this train of thought. They just jump on and ride it without thinking of consequences or action. It feels like a product of the internet. We have keyboard warriors on all side flexing digital muscle, posturing and showing themselves to be the alpha when in reality, they live these small lives in which the internet is where they get their only attention. It’s all a bit unsettling. I am by no means blaming anyone or anything in general. Mostly just musing on what I’ve observed. It’s an interesting thing.
You don’t get that right!
Chester Bennington committed suicide today. Linkin Park was one of my favorite bands when I was younger. RIP. People want to judge him for his actions. Others will say “just another rock star killed by drugs and alchohol”. They’ll say he had 6 kids and a wife. Like that should have been enough to stop him. But here’s the thing. Depression will claim you when you’re not looking. Depression will blind you and make you look past those who love you and who you love. In that singular moment where you make that choice, there’s too many thoughts running through your head but the only one, the only thought and feeling is the fear you have. The fear that you never amounted to anything. The fear that you let people down. The fear that you wasted someones time. Everyone’s time. And that is what drives you. There are no happy thoughts. There is no light at the end of this tunnel and let’s face it and drop the sugar coated crap, you feel alone. Every person around you becomes a distorted caricature of what you knew and your head and depression makes you distort them. They become the reason you are depressed. You become the source of everyone’s hatred. Compound that with any type of trauma you’ve endured and yeah, you’d have to be heartless to think it was solely the person’s fault. No one is heartless enough to purposefully leave their loved ones. But apparently there are people heartless enough to think they can judge someone they didn’t know for actions that may have been brought about by so many factors. No. You don’t get that right. So if you feel even the slightest bit offended or feel like you have some say in this, you don’t because you don’t know how it feels to look at everyone and feel like they in some little stupid fucked up way that they hate you and you don’t know how it feels when that thought eats so much of you away that you don’t even feel human anymore. So if that’s how you feel, thanks for being a friend and deleting me. I probably didn’t need you in my life.
So I’m not in the greatest state of mind. I’m depressed and stressed out. I’m feeling particularly lonely. And I’m feeling poor in more ways than one. For those of you who know me or have spent some time getting to know me, you know that when Im low, im very low. I know some people will want me to shut up. Tell me this isn’t a public forum to self medicate by sharing. Well, yeah. I know. I just don’t know how to socialize anymore. I don’t know when it’s OK to ask for help so I default to here because, well, it’s something. And something is better than nothing. Meh. It must be the fatigue and stress. I hope that’s all it is. God I miss kid me. Lol no cares in the world…. Maybe. I’m just so damn frustrated. So yeah. I guess that’s the long of it.
tl/dr In a world where everyone belongs. I feel like I dont.
And look if you’re just gonna tell me to shut up save it. Ain’t nobody got time for that.