It’s an interesting thing
You know what’s strange? We as humans have this weird tendency to be both complimentary and depreciate at the same time. Scouring the internet and forums, i see so many different examples of this. We always seem to want to see someone succeed but if that person succeeds too much, we call for their downfall. We wish others to be happy but when someone we deem unworthy of being happy becomes happy, we become angry. It’s a strange symptom of being a human. And to top it off, many people no longer try to rise above this train of thought. They just jump on and ride it without thinking of consequences or action. It feels like a product of the internet. We have keyboard warriors on all side flexing digital muscle, posturing and showing themselves to be the alpha when in reality, they live these small lives in which the internet is where they get their only attention. It’s all a bit unsettling. I am by no means blaming anyone or anything in general. Mostly just musing on what I’ve observed. It’s an interesting thing.
our storms help us become stronger
We are all rivers,
Our lives ebb and flow
our circumstances change from a trickle to a raging flood
our lives intertwine
friendships fill our reservoire
tragedies empty it
and yet we always move, always change, and never stay put
there are times of calm where we seem still
life sometimes assures that we do not keep flowing a certain way
but rest assured, our river always flows
our victories spur our rapids
our storms help us become stronger
others join us and then leave accordingly
but we are all rivers
As written by someone who is struggling to be more positive every day.
I am, by no means, a positive person; At least not in the conventional sense. Yes, I am prone to moments of being chipper and peppy, but those moments are interlaced with long stretches of malaise, indifference, and cynicism. If you know how this feels, you know just how stressful and annoying these times can be. It is especially dismaying when you experience these things at a party when you are supposed to be enjoying time with friends. If this seems to be the norm for you well I can confidently say that hey, it’s ok. This is normal for us. I compare it to a toy running out of battery. I don’t think that I’m negative at heart, but I do feel that my positivity reserves need a little bit of tweaking; But these moments, these quiet minutes where we just allow ourselves to feel…..sad? Angry? These moments are essential. It’s not something that a lot of people understand, especially those who find being positive to come naturally, but they are completely essential. In these moments, we recharge. I know that when I have these quiet moments with my wife, I recharge quicker and can sustain my happiness longer and that helps; and when you’re having fun, even with others, your battery just finds a way to stay happy longer. Laughter, appreciation, love, all of these things sustain us, but to get to these moments, we have to recharge. We have to have quiet moments. We have to have negative experiences because those make positive experiences all the sweeter. So if you find yourself falling into sadness, just hold on tight and know you’ll be ok. We’re all stronger for it!
This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke.
There’s something about the New Year that brings both joy and sadness; Watching that ball drop, those 30 seconds become 30 minutes, then hours, then days, In those few short seconds, my mind is flooded by…..everything that has happened in the last year. All the goals I didn’t hit, all the mistakes I made, every possible what if you could shake a finger at come flying into my consciousness. Time freezes as I look around. So many backdrops from the last year flash by. Starting a new position at work, giving up on working out again, multiple moments of utter and crushing silence spent in my car wondering if anything I’ve done quantifies my existence. A strange calm overtakes me. Not quite Zen but definitely a type of stillness. A small twinge of something familiar hits my heart. I remember this feeling from when I was younger. I remember when I felt like this, like I could take on the world. I can’t quite put my finger on what elicited this response; all I know is, in that moment everything was still stopped. I looked at my wife and feel warmth, and love; the same love that id been maybe blocking from myself because I feel as if I’m not worth it. It strengthens the feeling. I’m still unsure of where it came from but I welcome it. I let it take over. The clock strikes 12. It’s a new year. Now everything whizzes by quickly – A million thoughts in my head; Goals, aspirations, resolutions, all of which form hope. This ethereal feeling begins to slowly surround me. I fall silent. A quiet determination has been sparked again. This is something I haven’t felt for at least a few years. It’s a welcome feeling, as if something inside me knows something big is on the horizon. This year, I choose to hold on to that and allow it to guide me. This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke. “How, possibly, can my life get better? I’m not worth it,” I’d usually admit, but this year….this year I accept it with open arms. 2018 has got nothing on me.
Get into shape
Finish 2 portfolios
Get a personal project off the ground
Finally break into the animation business
Start following my own path and stay true to myself
Get over my shyness
I truly hope I can keep my heart light and confident as I move forward.
I know a lot of people use the new year as they’re new start. I’ve decided, this year, that my birthday is my new start. I just turned 30. I’m not where I want to be in life, and I find myself unhappy about many things on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining, merely acknowledging the fact that I, alone, am the reason for my problems. I know that I have made many many mistakes and bad choices. I look at myself in the mirror and I get so mad at what I see. I started living in the past, so many coulda woulda shoulda’s, dwelling on my past mistakes and what I could have done differently. I started really hating waking up in the morning. It physically hurt to get up. Luckily, my wife is my best friend and the best part of my life. She pushed me forward and reminded me how much I was loved. My friends surrounded me with love and, through little acts of kindness, started making me believe I would be ok. My most recent surprise party solidified that for me. Then, during my birthday vacation, we made a trip to Zion. Sitting at the edge of the lookout, I made myself a promise. I will start actually investing in myself. I’ll be kinder to myself and open myself to help from others. This year is the start of a big change in my life. It really is time to start moving up in life and I can’t do that without confidence in myself, my family, my friends, and my faith. I truly hope I can keep my heart light and confident as I move forward. That’s my only birthday wish is year. Thanks for reading. Later days.
I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone.
I sit in traffic, listening without any thought or plan. It’s just another day. I tell myself this over and over like a mantra. Inside me, I feel a slight panic. Where am I going in this life? Time passes slowly and yet, I feel like I cannot sit in one moment long enough. Questions race through my head; “Am I good enough for my wife? Do my friends even like me? Does anyone even know I’m here? Why do I keep waking up in the morning?” The obvious thing to say would be that I live for my wife. I wake up to animate. I’m fine. I think. But it takes a while for any of the good to sink in. I’m too stuck in my own head to move on and before I know it, I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone. Feeling like maybe, just maybe, everyone around me would be better off if I just disappeared. I can hear my wife in my head telling me that she loves me. That I belong. I can see and feel all the memories of hanging out with all my friends. But it feels like there’s a cloud there. A fog. I can’t really see things clearly. I remember things differently and everything morphs into something darker. I get angry, I get sad, I get frustrated, and tired all at the same time. And it’s like that almost every day. There are good days and there are bad days. and then there are horrible days where I feel paralyzed or like I’m on the outside looking in. When I’m with friends, I freeze up a little bit, unsure of whether I fit in. I become so engrossed in finding a way to feel like I’m ok, feel like I’m part of the group that even before I’m ok, the days over and I’m heading home. Then I’m hoping that they don’t think I hate them and it’s just my anxiety. I get home and obsess and then I force myself asleep just to do it again. There’s so much self-doubt in me that some days it gets hard to motivate myself just to wake up. I honestly don’t know if this is depression. I’ve never been to a shrink to figure that out. I’m scared to. I don’t want people thinking differently of me and people look down on those with any type of mental illness so yeah it is a bit scary. I’m hoping to finally go see a psychologist sometime in the coming months because I’ve started to get disturbing thoughts. That’s about all I’d like to entertain because they come frequently so anytime I’m not thinking about them, I’m glad. I hope I’ll be ok. Thanks for reading.