Happy Trails to you…… 

Until we meet again……

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So I’m not in the greatest state of mind. I’m depressed and stressed out. I’m feeling particularly lonely. And I’m feeling poor in more ways than one. For those of you who know me or have spent some time getting to know me, you know that when Im low, im very low. I know some people will want me to shut up. Tell me this isn’t a public forum to self medicate by sharing. Well, yeah. I know. I just don’t know how to socialize anymore. I don’t know when it’s OK to ask for help so I default to here because, well, it’s something. And something is better than nothing. Meh. It must be the fatigue and stress. I hope that’s all it is. God I miss kid me. Lol no cares in the world…. Maybe. I’m just so damn frustrated. So yeah. I guess that’s the long of it. 
tl/dr In a world where everyone belongs. I feel like I dont. 
And look if you’re just gonna tell me to shut up save it. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

The Universe is a strange and wonderful place

The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place.

Just a few months ago I was down in the dumps. I felt completely useless, alone, and depressed. At the time, it felt like everywhere I looked, whoever I turned to, I felt cold and dejected. I felt judged. I remember telling someone that I was depressed and got a cold “no you aren’t. So, I started silencing myself. I started telling myself that I wasn’t needed. I guarded myself against everything, even my wife (who is the best and most awesome person I know in the whole universe). I stopped seeing the world as a wondrous place and began seeing it in black and white. But then I decided to reach out. I steeled myself, my wife lifted me up, and I got on my way again. I stopped trying to life for others. I stopped caring about how many friends I had and focused my efforts on the ones who stuck with me through my shittiest times. I made new ones in the new jobs I got. I realized, I’m really not alone. Looking back, I hate that I let my feelings be dictated by people who didn’t ever make the time to get to know me. I hate that I hinged my feelings on those friends who never had the time for me. Fast forward to now and I have amazing opportunities in my future. I have friends who keep in touch even if it’s hard to make time. I am incredibly blessed with this amazing wife who kept my light on even when I was trying to snuff it out. The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place. I just need to look at it that way.

-Skipperstitch

Ghost of a friendship, Lies a of a friend

Hold fast, stay strong, keep your light and keep the darkness at bay.

Pictures hold a thousand words, and lifetimes warmth within,

Of friendships past, where lack of trust seems almost a sin.

Look past the eyes, the joking grin, the bear hug that they gave.

It will remind you of memories you thought you didnt save.

Almost ethereal, almost real, that hold made things seem true,

but, it seems, the person you had, had covertly altered their hue.

The warmth became as cold as ice, the hands with claws like daggers of steel.

When left alone, you quietly sit and try to remember what was real.

As you look back, you see what changed and surely its a jest.

But it was you who made a mistake in holding up their crest.

In time you wished that you would be the one that they’d count on.

but In your darkest moment, on your mind did it finally dawn.

As you put more importance in the ones you thought your own,

the life of you, the confidence and soul was sucked out of your bones.

But these are only hauntings see, do not let them win the day.

Hold fast, stay strong, keep your light and keep the darkness at bay.

No amount of lies or ghosts can wither your heart

unless you, and you alone, give them the right to start.

So worry not of ghostly comrades, of whose time you should forget,

Keep  your eyes ever on the future, let go of the lies that you have met.

 

-SkipperStitch

Welcome to my Mind!

Good News Everyone!

Good News Everyone! (please use Herbert Farnsworths Voice when reading this for added effect haha)

but really, I guess this is more good news for me then it is for you! I’m not giving up on this blog and am, in fact, expanding upon it. I have always wanted to write a novel or book filled with short stories and/or poems. So, I think I’ll start here. Hopefully I can get some followers to read them along with my usual thoughts and blurbs about life. Very much trying to find a positive outlook and release valve for my own thoughts. I know alot of you guys are too so I hope that I can give you something to chew on. But welcome to this lovely, desolate, hopeful, fearful, confident, beat down place i like to call my mind. Please make yourselves at home. I welcome any type of constructive criticism, be it towards my work or my thoughts, but please be kind. I know the internet can be a shitty place but I still have hope for human kind. I think, most importantly, I still hold out on hope for you. Yeah you! Reading this! Yeah, you’re awesome! Thanks for being here! Enjoy!

Writing, feeling, waiting, hoping….

I wonder why I always wait.

I woke up today. That, in itself, is a huge tremendous blessing. I woke up today next to my beautiful wife. Another amazing gift. So I guess I’m doing alright yeah?

Anyways, ive neglected this blog for far too long. Honestly, I get a little scared everytime i look at it. Like the words I’ll write don’t have no right to be written, the thoughts in my mind, no right to exist. In less melodramatic terms, I feel like nothing i say or do is worth being said or done. But I’m wrong. Right? Eh, well this’ll pass, it always does. As i reflect on the title of this particular blog post, I wonder. I wonder why I always wait. What am I waiting for? the longer i sit here, the more of my life passes me by and, you know, I wasnt lying when i told myself, all those years ago, that I didn’t want to merely exist. I wanted to live. But boy is it hard to live. How do people do it? how do people talk to other people they don’t know, strike up conversation, I mean, just, how? God, I swear i spend most of the day worrying what I’ll say or do that by the time I decide, the day is over and gone. I have to get out out of this funk I’m in. One step at a time I guess. UIm deciding to speak to a psychologist. Or therapist? Probably one of my biggest fears but, if it’ll help me, then i welcome it. Here’s to the future.

An escapist stuck in the body of a shy guy.

You ever feel like you wear a mask every day?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there goes a month. Hahaha so much for the regularity of this blog. But I said I wouldn’t give up on it so I won’t. Anyways, hi guys! nice to be back. Was dealing with a few things mentally and emotionally (still am) but am much more stable. On to the good stuff.

(As an aside, if you havent watched spirited away, please please watch it. Such an amazingly beatiful movie.)

SO! I have a question for you all. You ever feel like you wear a mask every day? I mean, you’re probably thinking that this is such a cliché question. But, no really. How often do you wake up and feel like you’re getting ready to step onto a stage? Does it feel like you’re putting up an act? And then, when you are with people you trust, are you able to peel back that mask and show who you really are? It’s a curiosity, isn’t it? How you can completely change your personality in an instant when you’re in the middle of a comfortable situation or with friends and family you trust. It’s almost scary. Is it a defense mechanism of some kind? Does everyone do this? How can you be honest and yet put on a facade? It feels so dishonest to me but I understand why people do it. I do it. Every day. I’m sure you all do it to in some way or another. And I know that sometimes, it can help. Being able to act a certain way in interviews or in front of those you work with is probably a good thing. Putting on a “Game Face” or so they say. But to any of you who can be honest all the time; be yourself without fear of being judged or made fun of; I salute you. It take a whole hell of a lot of courage. So how do you do it? I’d like the advice! Please leave a comment! Alrighty guys, I’m signing off for the night. Later days!

In My Eyes…

My mind snaps and I feel like the world is going to crash in on me.

The alarm. My eyes lazily focus as my wife pats me on the back to wake me up. I sleepily walk to the shower and the spray of cold water breaks my sleepy haze as i step into the steadily heating stream. My mind snaps and I feel like the world is going to  crash in on me.  I sit there in my shower just pondering the day. Calculating things that can’t possibly be calculated. As I turn the dial to cool the water to a brisk temperature, I take a breath and hold on to that hope I’ll be okay. I hear my wife tell me the time and i can’t help but thank god and the universe for my wife because she gives me that extra piece of hope. and drive that just gets me out of bed and gets me going, and puts a smile on my face. I step out of the garage and then into my car and everything becomes a me against the world scenario in my head. And then I finally arrive at my job and, gratitude washes over me. I’m incredibly thankful for the job I have. And then my brain switches some time during the day. I get doubful of myself. I start thinking i can’t do this, what am i doing here? I’m messing up where is my life headed? Why am I still stuck? I cant focus and I freak out. And then I breath. I close my eyes and breath. And focus. And time goes by. And i realize, I made it through another day. So I walk to my car, get in, and then just get scared again. Am i going to get home safe? What if I don’t? I’m back to calculating. And then I realize….I’m home. Everything kind of washes away. I lay in bed reliving the day and calculating the next. I look over at my wife. Everything falls away again. I fall asleep. Thankful, grateful…….The alarm.