Mother’s day.

I think of her smile.

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I woke up. It’s already late. 1pm. I look at my wife laying next to me and smile. I remember the day. It’s mother’s day. I remember in sharp detail that I live with my parents. I can’t help but feel like I’m dragging my partner down in life. My chest heaves and I feel sick. This is a recurring thought. It comes when I wake up. Every day. But today I should be happy. I am thankful. My mother, I think to myself, must be at church. I imagine that the priest is just finishing up communion. My mother, fussing with my sister. Keeping her happy and content. She’s always been good at keeping my sister happy and content. In fact, she’s always been good at keeping most of her family happy and content. That sickly feeling comes back again. This time I remember all the times I was suffering from a bout of stress or depression. The amount of times I pushed her away because I didn’t know what else to do. I don’t like it when she sees me weak. It’s a silly thought. She saw me at my weakest before. I chalk it up to some macho man thought. My wife spurs me awake. She says we’re supposed to meet my family at our favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch. Depression hits hard again. But I push through. I think of my mom and I get up. I realize how much I think of my mom when I need a push. I hope she knows how much I love her. Sometimes I hope I know how much I love her. It’s a strange feeling to think that I have to remind myself actively. I think…. I think something is wrong with me but I wave the feeling away. I sink ever so slightly into the foam that comprises my bed as I roll to the edge. A tuft of fur pushes against me. My cat reminds me gently that he’s here. I’d like to think he loves me. I hope he does. It’s mother’s day. And here I am hating myself and loving my mother. It’s a pattern. One I trapped myself into many years before. I think of her face. Like my grandma’s now. She’s getting just a bit older. But she’s still beautiful. I love her. I hate that I hide so much of myself away but maybe I’m just scared she won’t understand. My wife checks in on me, nudging me to get up. Was I not already? No I’m still sinking into the foam. I wake up and take a deep breath. Happy mothers day. Thank you mom for unknowingly pushing me to keep going. The sun’s bright. I think of her smile.

–Skipperstitch

The conundrum that is humanity.

It’s an interesting thing

You know what’s strange? We as humans have this weird tendency to be both complimentary and depreciate at the same time. Scouring the internet and forums, i see so many different examples of this. We always seem to want to see someone succeed but if that person succeeds too much, we call for their downfall. We wish others to be happy but when someone we deem unworthy of being happy becomes happy, we become angry. It’s a strange symptom of being a human. And to top it off, many people no longer try to rise above this train of thought. They just jump on and ride it without thinking of consequences or action. It feels like a product of the internet. We have keyboard warriors on all side flexing digital muscle, posturing and showing themselves to be the alpha when in reality, they live these small lives in which the internet is where they get their only attention. It’s all a bit unsettling. I am by no means blaming anyone or anything in general. Mostly just musing on what I’ve observed. It’s an interesting thing.

-Skipperstitch

We are all Rivers

our storms help us become stronger

We are all rivers,

Our lives ebb and flow

our circumstances change from a trickle to a raging flood

our lives intertwine

friendships fill our reservoire

tragedies empty it

and yet we always move, always change, and never stay put

there are times of calm where we seem still

life sometimes assures that we do not keep flowing a certain way

but rest assured, our river always flows

our victories spur our rapids

our storms help us become stronger

others join us and then leave accordingly

but we are all rivers

always flowing

 

Positivity and why its ok to be negative sometimes.

As written by someone who is struggling to be more positive every day.

I am, by no means, a positive person; At least not in the conventional sense. Yes, I am prone to moments of being chipper and peppy, but those moments are interlaced with long stretches of malaise, indifference, and cynicism. If you know how this feels, you know just how stressful and annoying these times can be. It is especially dismaying when you experience these things at a party when you are supposed to be enjoying time with friends. If this seems to be the norm for you well I can confidently say that hey, it’s ok. This is normal for us. I compare it to a toy running out of battery. I don’t think that I’m negative at heart, but I do feel that my positivity reserves need a little bit of tweaking; But these moments, these quiet minutes where we just allow ourselves to feel…..sad? Angry? These moments are essential. It’s not something that a lot of people understand, especially those who find being positive to come naturally, but they are completely essential. In these moments, we recharge. I know that when I have these quiet moments with my wife, I recharge quicker and can sustain my happiness longer and that helps; and when you’re having fun, even with others, your battery just finds a way to stay happy longer. Laughter, appreciation, love, all of these things sustain us, but to get to these moments, we have to recharge. We have to have quiet moments. We have to have negative experiences because those make positive experiences all the sweeter. So if you find yourself falling into sadness, just hold on tight and know you’ll be ok. We’re all stronger for it!

-Skipperstitch

Reflections of the old year, goals for the new.

This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke.

There’s something about the New Year that brings both joy and sadness; Watching that ball drop, those 30 seconds become 30 minutes, then hours, then days, In those few short seconds, my mind is flooded by…..everything that has happened in the last year. All the goals I didn’t hit, all the mistakes I made, every possible what if you could shake a finger at come flying into my consciousness. Time freezes as I look around. So many backdrops from the last year flash by. Starting a new position at work, giving up on working out again, multiple moments of utter and crushing silence spent in my car wondering if anything I’ve done quantifies my existence. A strange calm overtakes me. Not quite Zen but definitely a type of stillness. A small twinge of something familiar hits my heart. I remember this feeling from when I was younger. I remember when I felt like this, like I could take on the world. I can’t quite put my finger on what elicited this response; all I know is, in that moment everything was still stopped. I looked at my wife and feel warmth, and love; the same love that id been maybe blocking from myself because I feel as if I’m not worth it. It strengthens the feeling. I’m still unsure of where it came from but I welcome it. I let it take over. The clock strikes 12. It’s a new year. Now everything whizzes by quickly – A million thoughts in my head; Goals, aspirations, resolutions, all of which form hope. This ethereal feeling begins to slowly surround me. I fall silent. A quiet determination has been sparked again. This is something I haven’t felt for at least a few years. It’s a welcome feeling, as if something inside me knows something big is on the horizon. This year, I choose to hold on to that and allow it to guide me. This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke. “How, possibly, can my life get better? I’m not worth it,” I’d usually admit, but this year….this year I accept it with open arms. 2018 has got nothing on me.

—Skipperstitch

–Goals–

Get into shape

Finish 2 portfolios

Get a personal project off the ground

Finally break into the animation business

–Resolutions–

Start following my own path and stay true to myself

Get over my shyness

The Universe is a strange and wonderful place

The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place.

Just a few months ago I was down in the dumps. I felt completely useless, alone, and depressed. At the time, it felt like everywhere I looked, whoever I turned to, I felt cold and dejected. I felt judged. I remember telling someone that I was depressed and got a cold “no you aren’t. So, I started silencing myself. I started telling myself that I wasn’t needed. I guarded myself against everything, even my wife (who is the best and most awesome person I know in the whole universe). I stopped seeing the world as a wondrous place and began seeing it in black and white. But then I decided to reach out. I steeled myself, my wife lifted me up, and I got on my way again. I stopped trying to life for others. I stopped caring about how many friends I had and focused my efforts on the ones who stuck with me through my shittiest times. I made new ones in the new jobs I got. I realized, I’m really not alone. Looking back, I hate that I let my feelings be dictated by people who didn’t ever make the time to get to know me. I hate that I hinged my feelings on those friends who never had the time for me. Fast forward to now and I have amazing opportunities in my future. I have friends who keep in touch even if it’s hard to make time. I am incredibly blessed with this amazing wife who kept my light on even when I was trying to snuff it out. The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place. I just need to look at it that way.

-Skipperstitch

Writing, feeling, waiting, hoping….

I wonder why I always wait.

I woke up today. That, in itself, is a huge tremendous blessing. I woke up today next to my beautiful wife. Another amazing gift. So I guess I’m doing alright yeah?

Anyways, ive neglected this blog for far too long. Honestly, I get a little scared everytime i look at it. Like the words I’ll write don’t have no right to be written, the thoughts in my mind, no right to exist. In less melodramatic terms, I feel like nothing i say or do is worth being said or done. But I’m wrong. Right? Eh, well this’ll pass, it always does. As i reflect on the title of this particular blog post, I wonder. I wonder why I always wait. What am I waiting for? the longer i sit here, the more of my life passes me by and, you know, I wasnt lying when i told myself, all those years ago, that I didn’t want to merely exist. I wanted to live. But boy is it hard to live. How do people do it? how do people talk to other people they don’t know, strike up conversation, I mean, just, how? God, I swear i spend most of the day worrying what I’ll say or do that by the time I decide, the day is over and gone. I have to get out out of this funk I’m in. One step at a time I guess. UIm deciding to speak to a psychologist. Or therapist? Probably one of my biggest fears but, if it’ll help me, then i welcome it. Here’s to the future.