I woke up. It’s already late. 1pm. I look at my wife laying next to me and smile. I remember the day. It’s mother’s day. I remember in sharp detail that I live with my parents. I can’t help but feel like I’m dragging my partner down in life. My chest heaves and I feel sick. This is a recurring thought. It comes when I wake up. Every day. But today I should be happy. I am thankful. My mother, I think to myself, must be at church. I imagine that the priest is just finishing up communion. My mother, fussing with my sister. Keeping her happy and content. She’s always been good at keeping my sister happy and content. In fact, she’s always been good at keeping most of her family happy and content. That sickly feeling comes back again. This time I remember all the times I was suffering from a bout of stress or depression. The amount of times I pushed her away because I didn’t know what else to do. I don’t like it when she sees me weak. It’s a silly thought. She saw me at my weakest before. I chalk it up to some macho man thought. My wife spurs me awake. She says we’re supposed to meet my family at our favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch. Depression hits hard again. But I push through. I think of my mom and I get up. I realize how much I think of my mom when I need a push. I hope she knows how much I love her. Sometimes I hope I know how much I love her. It’s a strange feeling to think that I have to remind myself actively. I think…. I think something is wrong with me but I wave the feeling away. I sink ever so slightly into the foam that comprises my bed as I roll to the edge. A tuft of fur pushes against me. My cat reminds me gently that he’s here. I’d like to think he loves me. I hope he does. It’s mother’s day. And here I am hating myself and loving my mother. It’s a pattern. One I trapped myself into many years before. I think of her face. Like my grandma’s now. She’s getting just a bit older. But she’s still beautiful. I love her. I hate that I hide so much of myself away but maybe I’m just scared she won’t understand. My wife checks in on me, nudging me to get up. Was I not already? No I’m still sinking into the foam. I wake up and take a deep breath. Happy mothers day. Thank you mom for unknowingly pushing me to keep going. The sun’s bright. I think of her smile.
I take a moment to pause
The world moves around me, time doesn’t stand still. It moves, flows, ebbs, and slows, but never stops.
I’m stopped. My emotions consume me. My sadness washes over me. My happiness flits around me. Anger coincides deep within. Cracked like glass, the sections of self permeate with different thoughts and break and reconnect over and over.
The next moment. I am broken. The next moment. I am whole. I look around and I am no longer paused. Everything else seems to be.
A woman next to the building looks distraught, holding her phone to her ear. Biding time holding on hope that the next few words bring solace. I can only speculate. The man 2 balconies up, one hand flailing, the other clenched. Screaming obscenities into an open door. The pure unadulterated joy beaming from a child’s face, arm wrapped around a plush. The father and mother smiling as she makes her way toward them. First steps? I wonder.
Pause. Paused to take a moment in. Realizing we all stop time when we need to even though time is never stopped. Paused. Paused within a perception each of us holds. We live each in our own minds. Time doesn’t stop. We stop time.
It’s an interesting thing
You know what’s strange? We as humans have this weird tendency to be both complimentary and depreciate at the same time. Scouring the internet and forums, i see so many different examples of this. We always seem to want to see someone succeed but if that person succeeds too much, we call for their downfall. We wish others to be happy but when someone we deem unworthy of being happy becomes happy, we become angry. It’s a strange symptom of being a human. And to top it off, many people no longer try to rise above this train of thought. They just jump on and ride it without thinking of consequences or action. It feels like a product of the internet. We have keyboard warriors on all side flexing digital muscle, posturing and showing themselves to be the alpha when in reality, they live these small lives in which the internet is where they get their only attention. It’s all a bit unsettling. I am by no means blaming anyone or anything in general. Mostly just musing on what I’ve observed. It’s an interesting thing.
As written by someone who is struggling to be more positive every day.
I am, by no means, a positive person; At least not in the conventional sense. Yes, I am prone to moments of being chipper and peppy, but those moments are interlaced with long stretches of malaise, indifference, and cynicism. If you know how this feels, you know just how stressful and annoying these times can be. It is especially dismaying when you experience these things at a party when you are supposed to be enjoying time with friends. If this seems to be the norm for you well I can confidently say that hey, it’s ok. This is normal for us. I compare it to a toy running out of battery. I don’t think that I’m negative at heart, but I do feel that my positivity reserves need a little bit of tweaking; But these moments, these quiet minutes where we just allow ourselves to feel…..sad? Angry? These moments are essential. It’s not something that a lot of people understand, especially those who find being positive to come naturally, but they are completely essential. In these moments, we recharge. I know that when I have these quiet moments with my wife, I recharge quicker and can sustain my happiness longer and that helps; and when you’re having fun, even with others, your battery just finds a way to stay happy longer. Laughter, appreciation, love, all of these things sustain us, but to get to these moments, we have to recharge. We have to have quiet moments. We have to have negative experiences because those make positive experiences all the sweeter. So if you find yourself falling into sadness, just hold on tight and know you’ll be ok. We’re all stronger for it!
This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke.
There’s something about the New Year that brings both joy and sadness; Watching that ball drop, those 30 seconds become 30 minutes, then hours, then days, In those few short seconds, my mind is flooded by…..everything that has happened in the last year. All the goals I didn’t hit, all the mistakes I made, every possible what if you could shake a finger at come flying into my consciousness. Time freezes as I look around. So many backdrops from the last year flash by. Starting a new position at work, giving up on working out again, multiple moments of utter and crushing silence spent in my car wondering if anything I’ve done quantifies my existence. A strange calm overtakes me. Not quite Zen but definitely a type of stillness. A small twinge of something familiar hits my heart. I remember this feeling from when I was younger. I remember when I felt like this, like I could take on the world. I can’t quite put my finger on what elicited this response; all I know is, in that moment everything was still stopped. I looked at my wife and feel warmth, and love; the same love that id been maybe blocking from myself because I feel as if I’m not worth it. It strengthens the feeling. I’m still unsure of where it came from but I welcome it. I let it take over. The clock strikes 12. It’s a new year. Now everything whizzes by quickly – A million thoughts in my head; Goals, aspirations, resolutions, all of which form hope. This ethereal feeling begins to slowly surround me. I fall silent. A quiet determination has been sparked again. This is something I haven’t felt for at least a few years. It’s a welcome feeling, as if something inside me knows something big is on the horizon. This year, I choose to hold on to that and allow it to guide me. This feeling, in truth, has come every year and every year I dismiss it as a fluke. “How, possibly, can my life get better? I’m not worth it,” I’d usually admit, but this year….this year I accept it with open arms. 2018 has got nothing on me.
Get into shape
Finish 2 portfolios
Get a personal project off the ground
Finally break into the animation business
Start following my own path and stay true to myself
Get over my shyness
I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone.
I sit in traffic, listening without any thought or plan. It’s just another day. I tell myself this over and over like a mantra. Inside me, I feel a slight panic. Where am I going in this life? Time passes slowly and yet, I feel like I cannot sit in one moment long enough. Questions race through my head; “Am I good enough for my wife? Do my friends even like me? Does anyone even know I’m here? Why do I keep waking up in the morning?” The obvious thing to say would be that I live for my wife. I wake up to animate. I’m fine. I think. But it takes a while for any of the good to sink in. I’m too stuck in my own head to move on and before I know it, I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone. Feeling like maybe, just maybe, everyone around me would be better off if I just disappeared. I can hear my wife in my head telling me that she loves me. That I belong. I can see and feel all the memories of hanging out with all my friends. But it feels like there’s a cloud there. A fog. I can’t really see things clearly. I remember things differently and everything morphs into something darker. I get angry, I get sad, I get frustrated, and tired all at the same time. And it’s like that almost every day. There are good days and there are bad days. and then there are horrible days where I feel paralyzed or like I’m on the outside looking in. When I’m with friends, I freeze up a little bit, unsure of whether I fit in. I become so engrossed in finding a way to feel like I’m ok, feel like I’m part of the group that even before I’m ok, the days over and I’m heading home. Then I’m hoping that they don’t think I hate them and it’s just my anxiety. I get home and obsess and then I force myself asleep just to do it again. There’s so much self-doubt in me that some days it gets hard to motivate myself just to wake up. I honestly don’t know if this is depression. I’ve never been to a shrink to figure that out. I’m scared to. I don’t want people thinking differently of me and people look down on those with any type of mental illness so yeah it is a bit scary. I’m hoping to finally go see a psychologist sometime in the coming months because I’ve started to get disturbing thoughts. That’s about all I’d like to entertain because they come frequently so anytime I’m not thinking about them, I’m glad. I hope I’ll be ok. Thanks for reading.