You don’t get that right!
Chester Bennington committed suicide today. Linkin Park was one of my favorite bands when I was younger. RIP. People want to judge him for his actions. Others will say “just another rock star killed by drugs and alchohol”. They’ll say he had 6 kids and a wife. Like that should have been enough to stop him. But here’s the thing. Depression will claim you when you’re not looking. Depression will blind you and make you look past those who love you and who you love. In that singular moment where you make that choice, there’s too many thoughts running through your head but the only one, the only thought and feeling is the fear you have. The fear that you never amounted to anything. The fear that you let people down. The fear that you wasted someones time. Everyone’s time. And that is what drives you. There are no happy thoughts. There is no light at the end of this tunnel and let’s face it and drop the sugar coated crap, you feel alone. Every person around you becomes a distorted caricature of what you knew and your head and depression makes you distort them. They become the reason you are depressed. You become the source of everyone’s hatred. Compound that with any type of trauma you’ve endured and yeah, you’d have to be heartless to think it was solely the person’s fault. No one is heartless enough to purposefully leave their loved ones. But apparently there are people heartless enough to think they can judge someone they didn’t know for actions that may have been brought about by so many factors. No. You don’t get that right. So if you feel even the slightest bit offended or feel like you have some say in this, you don’t because you don’t know how it feels to look at everyone and feel like they in some little stupid fucked up way that they hate you and you don’t know how it feels when that thought eats so much of you away that you don’t even feel human anymore. So if that’s how you feel, thanks for being a friend and deleting me. I probably didn’t need you in my life.
So I’m not in the greatest state of mind. I’m depressed and stressed out. I’m feeling particularly lonely. And I’m feeling poor in more ways than one. For those of you who know me or have spent some time getting to know me, you know that when Im low, im very low. I know some people will want me to shut up. Tell me this isn’t a public forum to self medicate by sharing. Well, yeah. I know. I just don’t know how to socialize anymore. I don’t know when it’s OK to ask for help so I default to here because, well, it’s something. And something is better than nothing. Meh. It must be the fatigue and stress. I hope that’s all it is. God I miss kid me. Lol no cares in the world…. Maybe. I’m just so damn frustrated. So yeah. I guess that’s the long of it.
tl/dr In a world where everyone belongs. I feel like I dont.
And look if you’re just gonna tell me to shut up save it. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place.
Just a few months ago I was down in the dumps. I felt completely useless, alone, and depressed. At the time, it felt like everywhere I looked, whoever I turned to, I felt cold and dejected. I felt judged. I remember telling someone that I was depressed and got a cold “no you aren’t. So, I started silencing myself. I started telling myself that I wasn’t needed. I guarded myself against everything, even my wife (who is the best and most awesome person I know in the whole universe). I stopped seeing the world as a wondrous place and began seeing it in black and white. But then I decided to reach out. I steeled myself, my wife lifted me up, and I got on my way again. I stopped trying to life for others. I stopped caring about how many friends I had and focused my efforts on the ones who stuck with me through my shittiest times. I made new ones in the new jobs I got. I realized, I’m really not alone. Looking back, I hate that I let my feelings be dictated by people who didn’t ever make the time to get to know me. I hate that I hinged my feelings on those friends who never had the time for me. Fast forward to now and I have amazing opportunities in my future. I have friends who keep in touch even if it’s hard to make time. I am incredibly blessed with this amazing wife who kept my light on even when I was trying to snuff it out. The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place. I just need to look at it that way.
I wonder why I always wait.
I woke up today. That, in itself, is a huge tremendous blessing. I woke up today next to my beautiful wife. Another amazing gift. So I guess I’m doing alright yeah?
Anyways, ive neglected this blog for far too long. Honestly, I get a little scared everytime i look at it. Like the words I’ll write don’t have no right to be written, the thoughts in my mind, no right to exist. In less melodramatic terms, I feel like nothing i say or do is worth being said or done. But I’m wrong. Right? Eh, well this’ll pass, it always does. As i reflect on the title of this particular blog post, I wonder. I wonder why I always wait. What am I waiting for? the longer i sit here, the more of my life passes me by and, you know, I wasnt lying when i told myself, all those years ago, that I didn’t want to merely exist. I wanted to live. But boy is it hard to live. How do people do it? how do people talk to other people they don’t know, strike up conversation, I mean, just, how? God, I swear i spend most of the day worrying what I’ll say or do that by the time I decide, the day is over and gone. I have to get out out of this funk I’m in. One step at a time I guess. UIm deciding to speak to a psychologist. Or therapist? Probably one of my biggest fears but, if it’ll help me, then i welcome it. Here’s to the future.
You ever feel like you wear a mask every day?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there goes a month. Hahaha so much for the regularity of this blog. But I said I wouldn’t give up on it so I won’t. Anyways, hi guys! nice to be back. Was dealing with a few things mentally and emotionally (still am) but am much more stable. On to the good stuff.
(As an aside, if you havent watched spirited away, please please watch it. Such an amazingly beatiful movie.)
SO! I have a question for you all. You ever feel like you wear a mask every day? I mean, you’re probably thinking that this is such a cliché question. But, no really. How often do you wake up and feel like you’re getting ready to step onto a stage? Does it feel like you’re putting up an act? And then, when you are with people you trust, are you able to peel back that mask and show who you really are? It’s a curiosity, isn’t it? How you can completely change your personality in an instant when you’re in the middle of a comfortable situation or with friends and family you trust. It’s almost scary. Is it a defense mechanism of some kind? Does everyone do this? How can you be honest and yet put on a facade? It feels so dishonest to me but I understand why people do it. I do it. Every day. I’m sure you all do it to in some way or another. And I know that sometimes, it can help. Being able to act a certain way in interviews or in front of those you work with is probably a good thing. Putting on a “Game Face” or so they say. But to any of you who can be honest all the time; be yourself without fear of being judged or made fun of; I salute you. It take a whole hell of a lot of courage. So how do you do it? I’d like the advice! Please leave a comment! Alrighty guys, I’m signing off for the night. Later days!
God, the static in my head when i fall asleep is probably the only reason I fall asleep.
Hi guys! Sorry for the long in between since my last post. Things have been weird and I’m still trying to get my head on straight. Good news is I found a new job! So that’s a plus. Anyways, I’ve been dealing with a lot of thoughts. One of which is that I have a hard time accepting that i have friends or that they think I’m, at the very least, an acceptable part of their lives. I know that I live for my friends and family. I know that i love the company and camaraderie. So why am I — why is it that — I feel so damn worthless to, well, everyone I know? It’s so confusing and straight disheartening to feel that way when I wake up. And, you know, I fight it every day. God, the static in my head when i fall asleep is probably the only reason I fall asleep. I don’t know. But hey, lets focus on the positives. The project im working on is almost done, which is great. Whether it flies or falls, well, I guess we’ll see soon enough. Keeping myself upbeat has been a little easier since i found out i got hired at my new job so that’s good. So i ask anyone who sees this, do you guys know any good ways to exercise focus? I mean sometimes i get easily distracted and i’m just trying to get past that haha. Alright, I’m going to go ahead and sign off now. Later days! Expect a little more regularity in the future.