Pause

We stop time.

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I take a moment to pause

The world moves around me, time doesn’t stand still. It moves, flows, ebbs, and slows, but never stops.

I’m stopped. My emotions consume me. My sadness washes over me. My happiness flits around me. Anger coincides deep within. Cracked like glass, the sections of self permeate with different thoughts and break and reconnect over and over.

The next moment. I am broken. The next moment. I am whole. I look around and I am no longer paused. Everything else seems to be.

A woman next to the building looks distraught, holding her phone to her ear. Biding time holding on hope that the next few words bring solace. I can only speculate. The man 2 balconies up, one hand flailing, the other clenched. Screaming obscenities into an open door. The pure unadulterated joy beaming from a child’s face, arm wrapped around a plush. The father and mother smiling as she makes her way toward them. First steps? I wonder.

Pause. Paused to take a moment in. Realizing we all stop time when we need to even though time is never stopped. Paused. Paused within a perception each of us holds. We live each in our own minds. Time doesn’t stop. We stop time.

The conundrum that is humanity.

It’s an interesting thing

You know what’s strange? We as humans have this weird tendency to be both complimentary and depreciate at the same time. Scouring the internet and forums, i see so many different examples of this. We always seem to want to see someone succeed but if that person succeeds too much, we call for their downfall. We wish others to be happy but when someone we deem unworthy of being happy becomes happy, we become angry. It’s a strange symptom of being a human. And to top it off, many people no longer try to rise above this train of thought. They just jump on and ride it without thinking of consequences or action. It feels like a product of the internet. We have keyboard warriors on all side flexing digital muscle, posturing and showing themselves to be the alpha when in reality, they live these small lives in which the internet is where they get their only attention. It’s all a bit unsettling. I am by no means blaming anyone or anything in general. Mostly just musing on what I’ve observed. It’s an interesting thing.

-Skipperstitch

Positivity and why its ok to be negative sometimes.

As written by someone who is struggling to be more positive every day.

I am, by no means, a positive person; At least not in the conventional sense. Yes, I am prone to moments of being chipper and peppy, but those moments are interlaced with long stretches of malaise, indifference, and cynicism. If you know how this feels, you know just how stressful and annoying these times can be. It is especially dismaying when you experience these things at a party when you are supposed to be enjoying time with friends. If this seems to be the norm for you well I can confidently say that hey, it’s ok. This is normal for us. I compare it to a toy running out of battery. I don’t think that I’m negative at heart, but I do feel that my positivity reserves need a little bit of tweaking; But these moments, these quiet minutes where we just allow ourselves to feel…..sad? Angry? These moments are essential. It’s not something that a lot of people understand, especially those who find being positive to come naturally, but they are completely essential. In these moments, we recharge. I know that when I have these quiet moments with my wife, I recharge quicker and can sustain my happiness longer and that helps; and when you’re having fun, even with others, your battery just finds a way to stay happy longer. Laughter, appreciation, love, all of these things sustain us, but to get to these moments, we have to recharge. We have to have quiet moments. We have to have negative experiences because those make positive experiences all the sweeter. So if you find yourself falling into sadness, just hold on tight and know you’ll be ok. We’re all stronger for it!

-Skipperstitch

Anxiety and sitting in a car.

This is hard guys.

Today was…..weird. the most likely thing to say is i had a few anxiety attacks as i went through the day but they were the kind that you dont really know are panic attacks until its too late to do anything about it. I found myself doing things that i so easily fall into when i get this way. I sat in my car for a few minutes letting the music wash over me. I thought of so many things i could be doing and how i must be failing hard if i havent gotten them yet. and maybe i pulled myself out of it. It hit me again later on but ultimately i was ok and im ok now at the end of my day. This is hard guys. if im being honest, i dont exactly know if im completely ok but i mean im stable i guess. just gotta get out there and keep moving. apologies for the grammer, at the moment, i couldnt care less. thanks for baring with me.
-Skipperstitch
(Artwork by Dmitriy Maximov)

Writing, feeling, waiting, hoping….

I wonder why I always wait.

I woke up today. That, in itself, is a huge tremendous blessing. I woke up today next to my beautiful wife. Another amazing gift. So I guess I’m doing alright yeah?

Anyways, ive neglected this blog for far too long. Honestly, I get a little scared everytime i look at it. Like the words I’ll write don’t have no right to be written, the thoughts in my mind, no right to exist. In less melodramatic terms, I feel like nothing i say or do is worth being said or done. But I’m wrong. Right? Eh, well this’ll pass, it always does. As i reflect on the title of this particular blog post, I wonder. I wonder why I always wait. What am I waiting for? the longer i sit here, the more of my life passes me by and, you know, I wasnt lying when i told myself, all those years ago, that I didn’t want to merely exist. I wanted to live. But boy is it hard to live. How do people do it? how do people talk to other people they don’t know, strike up conversation, I mean, just, how? God, I swear i spend most of the day worrying what I’ll say or do that by the time I decide, the day is over and gone. I have to get out out of this funk I’m in. One step at a time I guess. UIm deciding to speak to a psychologist. Or therapist? Probably one of my biggest fears but, if it’ll help me, then i welcome it. Here’s to the future.

Long Days, Longer Nights

God, the static in my head when i fall asleep is probably the only reason I fall asleep.

Hi guys! Sorry for the long in between since my last post. Things have been weird and I’m still trying to get my head on straight. Good news is I found a new job! So that’s a plus. Anyways, I’ve been dealing with a lot of thoughts. One of which is that I have a hard time accepting that i have friends or that they think I’m, at the very least, an acceptable part of their lives. I know that I live for my friends and family. I know that i love the company and camaraderie. So why am I — why is it that — I feel so damn worthless to, well, everyone I know? It’s so confusing and straight disheartening to feel that way when I wake up. And, you know, I fight it every day. God, the static in my head when i fall asleep is probably the only reason I fall asleep. I don’t know. But hey, lets focus on the positives. The project im working on is almost done, which is great. Whether it flies or falls, well, I guess we’ll see soon enough. Keeping myself upbeat has been a little easier since i found out i got hired at my new job so that’s good. So i ask anyone who sees this, do you guys know any good ways to exercise focus? I mean sometimes i get easily distracted and i’m just trying to get past that haha. Alright, I’m going to go ahead and sign off now. Later days! Expect a little more regularity in the future.