The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place.
Just a few months ago I was down in the dumps. I felt completely useless, alone, and depressed. At the time, it felt like everywhere I looked, whoever I turned to, I felt cold and dejected. I felt judged. I remember telling someone that I was depressed and got a cold “no you aren’t. So, I started silencing myself. I started telling myself that I wasn’t needed. I guarded myself against everything, even my wife (who is the best and most awesome person I know in the whole universe). I stopped seeing the world as a wondrous place and began seeing it in black and white. But then I decided to reach out. I steeled myself, my wife lifted me up, and I got on my way again. I stopped trying to life for others. I stopped caring about how many friends I had and focused my efforts on the ones who stuck with me through my shittiest times. I made new ones in the new jobs I got. I realized, I’m really not alone. Looking back, I hate that I let my feelings be dictated by people who didn’t ever make the time to get to know me. I hate that I hinged my feelings on those friends who never had the time for me. Fast forward to now and I have amazing opportunities in my future. I have friends who keep in touch even if it’s hard to make time. I am incredibly blessed with this amazing wife who kept my light on even when I was trying to snuff it out. The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place. I just need to look at it that way.
God, the static in my head when i fall asleep is probably the only reason I fall asleep.
Hi guys! Sorry for the long in between since my last post. Things have been weird and I’m still trying to get my head on straight. Good news is I found a new job! So that’s a plus. Anyways, I’ve been dealing with a lot of thoughts. One of which is that I have a hard time accepting that i have friends or that they think I’m, at the very least, an acceptable part of their lives. I know that I live for my friends and family. I know that i love the company and camaraderie. So why am I — why is it that — I feel so damn worthless to, well, everyone I know? It’s so confusing and straight disheartening to feel that way when I wake up. And, you know, I fight it every day. God, the static in my head when i fall asleep is probably the only reason I fall asleep. I don’t know. But hey, lets focus on the positives. The project im working on is almost done, which is great. Whether it flies or falls, well, I guess we’ll see soon enough. Keeping myself upbeat has been a little easier since i found out i got hired at my new job so that’s good. So i ask anyone who sees this, do you guys know any good ways to exercise focus? I mean sometimes i get easily distracted and i’m just trying to get past that haha. Alright, I’m going to go ahead and sign off now. Later days! Expect a little more regularity in the future.
Lets try this again shall we?
I decided to wipe this slate clean. I started this blog in an attempt to escape some of the demons in my head. If you know me, you know that this didn’t work. These last few months have had me thinking a lot about what makes me tick and what motivates me to move forward. I’ve met a lot of new people and I work for one of the companies that my little kid self had always wanted to work for. So thinks aren’t as bad as my head seemingly thinks they are. So yeah. Lets try this again shall we?