My Story

I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone.


I sit in traffic, listening without any thought or plan. It’s just another day. I tell myself this over and over like a mantra. Inside me, I feel a slight panic. Where am I going in this life? Time passes slowly and yet, I feel like I cannot sit in one moment long enough. Questions race through my head; “Am I good enough for my wife? Do my friends even like me? Does anyone even know I’m here? Why do I keep waking up in the morning?” The obvious thing to say would be that I live for my wife. I wake up to animate. I’m fine. I think. But it takes a while for any of the good to sink in. I’m too stuck in my own head to move on and before I know it, I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone. Feeling like maybe, just maybe, everyone around me would be better off if I just disappeared. I can hear my wife in my head telling me that she loves me. That I belong. I can see and feel all the memories of hanging out with all my friends. But it feels like there’s a cloud there. A fog. I can’t really see things clearly. I remember things differently and everything morphs into something darker. I get angry, I get sad, I get frustrated, and tired all at the same time. And it’s like that almost every day. There are good days and there are bad days. and then there are horrible days where I feel paralyzed or like I’m on the outside looking in. When I’m with friends, I freeze up a little bit, unsure of whether I fit in. I become so engrossed in finding a way to feel like I’m ok, feel like I’m part of the group that even before I’m ok, the days over and I’m heading home. Then I’m hoping that they don’t think I hate them and it’s just my anxiety. I get home and obsess and then I force myself asleep just to do it again. There’s so much self-doubt in me that some days it gets hard to motivate myself just to wake up. I honestly don’t know if this is depression. I’ve never been to a shrink to figure that out. I’m scared to. I don’t want people thinking differently of me and people look down on those with any type of mental illness so yeah it is a bit scary. I’m hoping to finally go see a psychologist sometime in the coming months because I’ve started to get disturbing thoughts. That’s about all I’d like to entertain because they come frequently so anytime I’m not thinking about them, I’m glad. I hope I’ll be ok. Thanks for reading.



You don’t get that right!

Chester Bennington committed suicide today. Linkin Park was one of my favorite bands when I was younger. RIP. People want to judge him for his actions. Others will say “just another rock star killed by drugs and alchohol”. They’ll say he had 6 kids and a wife. Like that should have been enough to stop him. But here’s the thing. Depression will claim you when you’re not looking. Depression will blind you and make you look past those who love you and who you love. In that singular moment where you make that choice, there’s too many thoughts running through your head but the only one, the only thought and feeling is the fear you have. The fear that you never amounted to anything. The fear that you let people down. The fear that you wasted someones time. Everyone’s time. And that is what drives you. There are no happy thoughts. There is no light at the end of this tunnel and let’s face it and drop the sugar coated crap, you feel alone. Every person around you becomes a distorted caricature of what you knew and your head and depression makes you distort them. They become the reason you are depressed. You become the source of everyone’s hatred. Compound that with any type of trauma you’ve endured and yeah, you’d have to be heartless to think it was solely the person’s fault. No one is heartless enough to purposefully leave their loved ones. But apparently there are people heartless enough to think they can judge someone they didn’t know for actions that may have been brought about by so many factors. No. You don’t get that right. So if you feel even the slightest bit offended or feel like you have some say in this, you don’t because you don’t know how it feels to look at everyone and feel like they in some little stupid fucked up way that they hate you and you don’t know how it feels when that thought eats so much of you away that you don’t even feel human anymore. So if that’s how you feel, thanks for being a friend and deleting me. I probably didn’t need you in my life.

Happy Trails to you…… 

Until we meet again……

So I’m not in the greatest state of mind. I’m depressed and stressed out. I’m feeling particularly lonely. And I’m feeling poor in more ways than one. For those of you who know me or have spent some time getting to know me, you know that when Im low, im very low. I know some people will want me to shut up. Tell me this isn’t a public forum to self medicate by sharing. Well, yeah. I know. I just don’t know how to socialize anymore. I don’t know when it’s OK to ask for help so I default to here because, well, it’s something. And something is better than nothing. Meh. It must be the fatigue and stress. I hope that’s all it is. God I miss kid me. Lol no cares in the world…. Maybe. I’m just so damn frustrated. So yeah. I guess that’s the long of it. 
tl/dr In a world where everyone belongs. I feel like I dont. 
And look if you’re just gonna tell me to shut up save it. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

The Universe is a strange and wonderful place

The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place.

Just a few months ago I was down in the dumps. I felt completely useless, alone, and depressed. At the time, it felt like everywhere I looked, whoever I turned to, I felt cold and dejected. I felt judged. I remember telling someone that I was depressed and got a cold “no you aren’t. So, I started silencing myself. I started telling myself that I wasn’t needed. I guarded myself against everything, even my wife (who is the best and most awesome person I know in the whole universe). I stopped seeing the world as a wondrous place and began seeing it in black and white. But then I decided to reach out. I steeled myself, my wife lifted me up, and I got on my way again. I stopped trying to life for others. I stopped caring about how many friends I had and focused my efforts on the ones who stuck with me through my shittiest times. I made new ones in the new jobs I got. I realized, I’m really not alone. Looking back, I hate that I let my feelings be dictated by people who didn’t ever make the time to get to know me. I hate that I hinged my feelings on those friends who never had the time for me. Fast forward to now and I have amazing opportunities in my future. I have friends who keep in touch even if it’s hard to make time. I am incredibly blessed with this amazing wife who kept my light on even when I was trying to snuff it out. The universe, the world, it’s all a wonderful place. I just need to look at it that way.


Ghost of a friendship, Lies a of a friend

Hold fast, stay strong, keep your light and keep the darkness at bay.

Pictures hold a thousand words, and lifetimes warmth within,

Of friendships past, where lack of trust seems almost a sin.

Look past the eyes, the joking grin, the bear hug that they gave.

It will remind you of memories you thought you didnt save.

Almost ethereal, almost real, that hold made things seem true,

but, it seems, the person you had, had covertly altered their hue.

The warmth became as cold as ice, the hands with claws like daggers of steel.

When left alone, you quietly sit and try to remember what was real.

As you look back, you see what changed and surely its a jest.

But it was you who made a mistake in holding up their crest.

In time you wished that you would be the one that they’d count on.

but In your darkest moment, on your mind did it finally dawn.

As you put more importance in the ones you thought your own,

the life of you, the confidence and soul was sucked out of your bones.

But these are only hauntings see, do not let them win the day.

Hold fast, stay strong, keep your light and keep the darkness at bay.

No amount of lies or ghosts can wither your heart

unless you, and you alone, give them the right to start.

So worry not of ghostly comrades, of whose time you should forget,

Keep  your eyes ever on the future, let go of the lies that you have met.



Feeling stuck

I can’t let myself get stuck for too long, can I?

You know the feeling where, there’s your goal, the light at the end of the tunnel, and it feels so close. So you take a step towards it and it actually feels like you took two steps back in the process? That’s where I’m at. Now I know I’m not the only one who ever feels this way, but i think i know what the problem is. Where my peers have though their way through it, fought their way, or just straight up willed their way through their proverbial quicksand, here I lay. Thats the biggest mistake anyone could make and, by god, I KNOW that. So what went wrong? I remember when i was in school, the amount of work I’d put in to make sure everything was done. Now I can barely motivate myself to wake up.It feels like something broke in there (my mind). But that’s ok, I think. This is just another opportunity to kick myself up and dust myself off. I can’t let myself get stuck for too long, can I? I wonder what today will bring me?


Welcome to my Mind!

Good News Everyone!

Good News Everyone! (please use Herbert Farnsworths Voice when reading this for added effect haha)

but really, I guess this is more good news for me then it is for you! I’m not giving up on this blog and am, in fact, expanding upon it. I have always wanted to write a novel or book filled with short stories and/or poems. So, I think I’ll start here. Hopefully I can get some followers to read them along with my usual thoughts and blurbs about life. Very much trying to find a positive outlook and release valve for my own thoughts. I know alot of you guys are too so I hope that I can give you something to chew on. But welcome to this lovely, desolate, hopeful, fearful, confident, beat down place i like to call my mind. Please make yourselves at home. I welcome any type of constructive criticism, be it towards my work or my thoughts, but please be kind. I know the internet can be a shitty place but I still have hope for human kind. I think, most importantly, I still hold out on hope for you. Yeah you! Reading this! Yeah, you’re awesome! Thanks for being here! Enjoy!