I wonder why I always wait.
I woke up today. That, in itself, is a huge tremendous blessing. I woke up today next to my beautiful wife. Another amazing gift. So I guess I’m doing alright yeah?
Anyways, ive neglected this blog for far too long. Honestly, I get a little scared everytime i look at it. Like the words I’ll write don’t have no right to be written, the thoughts in my mind, no right to exist. In less melodramatic terms, I feel like nothing i say or do is worth being said or done. But I’m wrong. Right? Eh, well this’ll pass, it always does. As i reflect on the title of this particular blog post, I wonder. I wonder why I always wait. What am I waiting for? the longer i sit here, the more of my life passes me by and, you know, I wasnt lying when i told myself, all those years ago, that I didn’t want to merely exist. I wanted to live. But boy is it hard to live. How do people do it? how do people talk to other people they don’t know, strike up conversation, I mean, just, how? God, I swear i spend most of the day worrying what I’ll say or do that by the time I decide, the day is over and gone. I have to get out out of this funk I’m in. One step at a time I guess. UIm deciding to speak to a psychologist. Or therapist? Probably one of my biggest fears but, if it’ll help me, then i welcome it. Here’s to the future.
You ever feel like you wear a mask every day?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there goes a month. Hahaha so much for the regularity of this blog. But I said I wouldn’t give up on it so I won’t. Anyways, hi guys! nice to be back. Was dealing with a few things mentally and emotionally (still am) but am much more stable. On to the good stuff.
(As an aside, if you havent watched spirited away, please please watch it. Such an amazingly beatiful movie.)
SO! I have a question for you all. You ever feel like you wear a mask every day? I mean, you’re probably thinking that this is such a cliché question. But, no really. How often do you wake up and feel like you’re getting ready to step onto a stage? Does it feel like you’re putting up an act? And then, when you are with people you trust, are you able to peel back that mask and show who you really are? It’s a curiosity, isn’t it? How you can completely change your personality in an instant when you’re in the middle of a comfortable situation or with friends and family you trust. It’s almost scary. Is it a defense mechanism of some kind? Does everyone do this? How can you be honest and yet put on a facade? It feels so dishonest to me but I understand why people do it. I do it. Every day. I’m sure you all do it to in some way or another. And I know that sometimes, it can help. Being able to act a certain way in interviews or in front of those you work with is probably a good thing. Putting on a “Game Face” or so they say. But to any of you who can be honest all the time; be yourself without fear of being judged or made fun of; I salute you. It take a whole hell of a lot of courage. So how do you do it? I’d like the advice! Please leave a comment! Alrighty guys, I’m signing off for the night. Later days!
Healing is hard to do when everyone on all sides keep picking at the scars.
My head is an animal. And sometimes it is really hard to reign it in. I think it might be nocturnal. Unfortunately, my body is not so its always a constant battle of sleep versus no sleep. Especially in this turbulent time in american history, my head is spinning. I’m trying to understand what motivates people to be so cruel towards one another. Putting myself in other peoples shoes and wondering what is in everyone’s heads. I though people were supposed to respect one another and yet the most recent election seems to have opened a bigger void between the masses. It hurtsn, for sure, to see this great country fight amongst itself. its scary to see how weak we’re getting. Unity seems like a thing that wont be reached for a long long time. Human decency is all we really need right now. People need to stop needlessly blaming each other. They need to stop generalizing each other. And they need to learn to empathize and step in someone elses shoes. Healing is hard to do when everyone on all sides keep picking at the scars. Its with a heavy heart i sign out for the night. But i still have hope that we, as a people, can come together. For those of you who read this, just go out into the world and shine a light onto it. God (allah, the universe, buddha, jesus , muhammed, or whoever and whatever you follow) knows that there’s enough negativity in the world. fill it with light. drive the darkness of doubt and hatred away. later days friends, love y’all.
My mind snaps and I feel like the world is going to crash in on me.
The alarm. My eyes lazily focus as my wife pats me on the back to wake me up. I sleepily walk to the shower and the spray of cold water breaks my sleepy haze as i step into the steadily heating stream. My mind snaps and I feel like the world is going to crash in on me. I sit there in my shower just pondering the day. Calculating things that can’t possibly be calculated. As I turn the dial to cool the water to a brisk temperature, I take a breath and hold on to that hope I’ll be okay. I hear my wife tell me the time and i can’t help but thank god and the universe for my wife because she gives me that extra piece of hope. and drive that just gets me out of bed and gets me going, and puts a smile on my face. I step out of the garage and then into my car and everything becomes a me against the world scenario in my head. And then I finally arrive at my job and, gratitude washes over me. I’m incredibly thankful for the job I have. And then my brain switches some time during the day. I get doubful of myself. I start thinking i can’t do this, what am i doing here? I’m messing up where is my life headed? Why am I still stuck? I cant focus and I freak out. And then I breath. I close my eyes and breath. And focus. And time goes by. And i realize, I made it through another day. So I walk to my car, get in, and then just get scared again. Am i going to get home safe? What if I don’t? I’m back to calculating. And then I realize….I’m home. Everything kind of washes away. I lay in bed reliving the day and calculating the next. I look over at my wife. Everything falls away again. I fall asleep. Thankful, grateful…….The alarm.
Thanksgivings past, for me, were always something I pretty much tried to avoid.
First of all, i would like to say happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate and happy day to those who don’t. This thanksgiving has been a really different one for me, though I know that on the surface it does not look like it. I celebrated the day with my wife and our families, going from one party to the other. Luckily we were able to bring together her mother’s family and my family for lunch and went to her father’s for dinner. All around, a normal thanksgiving minus, thankfully, the scramble to get to three families in one day. But the difference was inside of me. Thanksgivings past, for me, were always something I pretty much tried to avoid. Not that I wasn’t thankful for the time, but more I wasn’t taking things in the right perspective. I had alot of pride that I simply didn’t know was there, and during the holidays this pride took hold in a pretty horrible way. I had a very “me against the world” way of looking at things and, in a way, that isn’t completely gone yet. But it’s subsiding. I’m maturing. Damn if it didn’t take a long time though. I am so incredibly thankful for so much this year. I have a wonderful family, a truely beautiful and strong wife, and a job. I’m alive and kicking. I have food on my table, and a roof over my head (hopefully soon I’ll have one that belongs to me and the wife, but im thankful now, more than ever, that my parents are graceful and loving enough to let us live with them while we climb this hill called no money). I am slowly and steadily losing weight because im sticking to my diets. And last, but certainly not least, I’m thankful for my friends. All the ones who came before and all the ones I’m going to meet on my journey. Especially the ones who choose to still be in my life and encourage me and just haven’t given up on me. I’m thankful. Be thankful for all you have. I know I am.
God, the static in my head when i fall asleep is probably the only reason I fall asleep.
Hi guys! Sorry for the long in between since my last post. Things have been weird and I’m still trying to get my head on straight. Good news is I found a new job! So that’s a plus. Anyways, I’ve been dealing with a lot of thoughts. One of which is that I have a hard time accepting that i have friends or that they think I’m, at the very least, an acceptable part of their lives. I know that I live for my friends and family. I know that i love the company and camaraderie. So why am I — why is it that — I feel so damn worthless to, well, everyone I know? It’s so confusing and straight disheartening to feel that way when I wake up. And, you know, I fight it every day. God, the static in my head when i fall asleep is probably the only reason I fall asleep. I don’t know. But hey, lets focus on the positives. The project im working on is almost done, which is great. Whether it flies or falls, well, I guess we’ll see soon enough. Keeping myself upbeat has been a little easier since i found out i got hired at my new job so that’s good. So i ask anyone who sees this, do you guys know any good ways to exercise focus? I mean sometimes i get easily distracted and i’m just trying to get past that haha. Alright, I’m going to go ahead and sign off now. Later days! Expect a little more regularity in the future.
Lets try this again shall we?
I decided to wipe this slate clean. I started this blog in an attempt to escape some of the demons in my head. If you know me, you know that this didn’t work. These last few months have had me thinking a lot about what makes me tick and what motivates me to move forward. I’ve met a lot of new people and I work for one of the companies that my little kid self had always wanted to work for. So thinks aren’t as bad as my head seemingly thinks they are. So yeah. Lets try this again shall we?