My Story

I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone.

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I sit in traffic, listening without any thought or plan. It’s just another day. I tell myself this over and over like a mantra. Inside me, I feel a slight panic. Where am I going in this life? Time passes slowly and yet, I feel like I cannot sit in one moment long enough. Questions race through my head; “Am I good enough for my wife? Do my friends even like me? Does anyone even know I’m here? Why do I keep waking up in the morning?” The obvious thing to say would be that I live for my wife. I wake up to animate. I’m fine. I think. But it takes a while for any of the good to sink in. I’m too stuck in my own head to move on and before I know it, I’m walking back to my car. Terrified. Feeling horribly alone. Feeling like maybe, just maybe, everyone around me would be better off if I just disappeared. I can hear my wife in my head telling me that she loves me. That I belong. I can see and feel all the memories of hanging out with all my friends. But it feels like there’s a cloud there. A fog. I can’t really see things clearly. I remember things differently and everything morphs into something darker. I get angry, I get sad, I get frustrated, and tired all at the same time. And it’s like that almost every day. There are good days and there are bad days. and then there are horrible days where I feel paralyzed or like I’m on the outside looking in. When I’m with friends, I freeze up a little bit, unsure of whether I fit in. I become so engrossed in finding a way to feel like I’m ok, feel like I’m part of the group that even before I’m ok, the days over and I’m heading home. Then I’m hoping that they don’t think I hate them and it’s just my anxiety. I get home and obsess and then I force myself asleep just to do it again. There’s so much self-doubt in me that some days it gets hard to motivate myself just to wake up. I honestly don’t know if this is depression. I’ve never been to a shrink to figure that out. I’m scared to. I don’t want people thinking differently of me and people look down on those with any type of mental illness so yeah it is a bit scary. I’m hoping to finally go see a psychologist sometime in the coming months because I’ve started to get disturbing thoughts. That’s about all I’d like to entertain because they come frequently so anytime I’m not thinking about them, I’m glad. I hope I’ll be ok. Thanks for reading.

-Skipperstitch

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